Tik Tik Tik Tik

Ok I know that i have been away for many days but that is because I had nothign to say. I thought that it would be unfair to treat the blog like a job and come here and put attendance everyday. In any case I have something new and I think that it is one of the most whacky things I have seen in the recent past. What the director was smokign when he thought up this one god alone knows. All i have to describe it is that Quick Gun Murugan was good but this is mind-bending. Won't say anythign more other than it is well worth being patient to watch this sensational music video no matter how long it takes to buffer up. Have pasted the link below
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLM-mZmKVpo

Anyone for Tennis?

I am supposed to write about sport today, but find that there is not much that I have to write. I could write about India thrashing the Poms but unfortunately given that this is one of the weakest Pom sides ever to visit the country in recent times it does not make for interesting copy.

So perhaps I should write about the Indian Davis Cup team. After all we won a series rubber against the Pakis and if one were to read news reports it would seem like we won the Davis Cup itself. Are the Pakis any good at tennis? I don’t think so but so long as beat up on the Pakis it’s time for the nation to rejoice. Never mind that both nations are just as bad at the game. Never mind that this is some insignificant Asia-Oceania group relegation match. Never mind that there is not a single grass court in Mumbai and that we had to cordon of some part of the Brabourne stadium to prepare a makeshift venue. Never mind that Leander Paes sidelines Rohan Bopanna and decides to play the final match himself, (it was a nice win-win situation for Paes. If he lost he would have been described as a warrior who gives all for the cause of the country and if he won then he would be a warrior who never lets the country down). This time around he was the warrior who never lets the country down. Never mind that dynasty was on display once again with Prakash Amritraj managing to play for the country though he has barely ever lived in India, although one must say that it’s a smart decision considering he is unlikely to even make a tenth string American Davis Cup team (I wonder when we will get to see Ramesh Krishnan’s son in the Davis Cup).

Mr Historian

The sudden appearance of a cricket appearance in the form of one Mr Borai Majumder always mystified me. I found it strange that this cherubic Bong had come out of nowhere and was suddenly on every TV channel which wanted the historians views on everything related to cricket. I thought the chap looked too young to be a real historian (somehow historians are these old grey-haired chaps for me) and then again no one mentioned anything about his qualifications other than saying that he wrote a book on one of India’s tours to Pakistan. I confess that I also found him rather pompous and over-enthusiastic quite Like one Mr Sidhu and one Mr Srikanth. It turns out now that the historian was born when Jagmohan Dalmiya and the BCCI commissioned him to write a book on the tour. They actually paid this chap to write the book, something that our historian friend never cared to reveal and we would never have known but for the Pawar-Dalmiya battle which led to the revelation. Just shows that you can’t even believe all that you see these days. As for our news guys not being able to figure this out on their own, just shows you that we don’t much care to o into the history of the people we use.

Mere Paas Cash Hai, Mere Paas Caste Hai, Tumhare Paas Kya Hai?

I know I failed miserably in keeping my resolution of two weeks ago to blog more regularly. But I have decided to not give up and follow that wonderful poem which we had in school which told us 'tis a lesson you should learn, try try again; if at once you don't succeed try try again'

And since it is Monday I am going to start again with Politics

There were once three friends, Rich Ram, Caste Ram and Aam Ram. The three of them lived in the same neighbourhood, studied in the the same school, lusted after the same chicks, shared the same dreams (getting into an IIM) - all in all they were pretty similar to one another. There were some minor differences as well like Rich Ram was rich, Caste Ram was from a backward caste and Aam Ram well he was neither rich nor from a backward caste.

But nobody ever took much notice of that and in fact everyone in the neighbourhood saw them together and said, "Those three are like triplets, may they never be separated'

The three boys also felt the same way. To prove that they were serious Rich, Caste and Aam had pricked their fingers, drawn blood and stored that blood in a single bottle. Said Rich, "No one can look at this blood and say if it is Rich, Caste or Aam. We are now blood brothers"

Time flew by and soon they were in class XII. It was a tense time after all their future depended on it what with a big board exam on hand and all those engineering and medical entrances that were due after that. Despite the rise in the mercury the three friends remained steadfast and their biggest worry was what if they all got admissions into a different college.

It was unlikely given that all three of them were average students and in their heart of hearts they knew that they were unlikely to do spectacularly well in the board exams or clear any of the medical and engineering exams. It was most likely that they would all be together doing their BSc in the local college.

The exams came and went and would you believe it the three had identical marks in their board exam which was well below the cutoffs for engineering and medical. The friends having collected their marksheet walked home and began to make plans for their new life at the local Science college.

Rich Ram entered his house and told his parents that he had only got 70 per cent and so in all probability he would join the local college and do a BSc in Mathematics. he added that Caste and Aam were likely to ollow a similar course.

His parents just smiled and said, "Beta, don't be silly. We have spoken to the private engineering principal here and he has said that for 10 lakhs you will be given a seat for engineering." Rich looked at his parents and said, "But won't that be unfair to the guy who got 71% and does not have 10 lakh? Smells like reservation to me!" His father said, " Don't be silly beta. What id the use of all this money if we can't help you. Secondly just because you did badly in one exam does not mean you should not be an engineer. There is no difference between 70 and 71%. And anyways what future do science graduates have?" All this set Rich thinking.

In the neeigbouring house Caste broke the news to his parents and told them about the BSc plans. His parents smiled and said, "Beta I have spoken to the local engineering college and you will get admission at 70%." Caste Ram looked at his parents suspiciously and said, "How is that possible?" His father looked benignly at him and said, "It's all thanks to your ancestors good deeds. Your great-grandfather lived in a very backward area almost two hundred years ago and so you are part of the OBC list." Caste was stunned and he said, "But if I use such a benefit then what happens to the guy who got 71%. This smells like reservation to me." His father said, "Beta 200 years ago even if your great grandfather had got 90% they would not let him into college, so it is only fair that you reap the benefits of that injustice. Besides do you want to disprespect your ancestors by not using the certificate." All this set Caste thinking.

Aam Ram came home and revealed his marks and told his parents that he would have to do his BSc. His parents smiled and said, "Which ever government college you get in on the basis of these marks you take admission. We are fine with that."

The three friends met in the evening and exchanged notes. Aam said, "So we are all going to do our BSc?" Rich said, "My parents are getting me admission in the prvate engineering college. I know it sounds like reservation but the truth is that my father will be very disappointed if I dont become an engineer and our shastras forbid us from hurting our parents."

Caste said, "My parents are getting me admission into the government engineering college adn I know it sounds like reservation but the truth is that to not go there would to let my ancestor's great sacrifices in the past go in vain."
Aaam looked at them and said, "But what about our dreams of a meritocracy and equality and end of class and caste?"

Rich said, "It is meritocracy only. I have done better than other people who can pay capitation and so I have got admission"

Caste said, "Pure meritocracy. I have done better than the other reserved candidates so I am getting admission."

Aam thought about it and said, "Yes, and complete meritocracy. I guess that my parentswere not meritorious enough to make enough money and my great grandfather was not meritorious enough to come from a backward place and so this is what I merit."

The three friends nodded and went their separate ways.

Epilogue

Last hear Aam was berating his father for not being rich or backward enough.

Update from Thailand

I know I was supposed to write on Friday. However, I am holidaying in Bangkok and therefore faile to keep my tryst with destiny on Friday. But this is a new week and I shall try to stick to my commitment through the week. I can't write on Indian politics since I have no clue what is happening down there and do not intend to waste my holiday reading Indian news sites.
So i will just write some stuff about the visit here.
Like a good journalist let me begin by name dropping. I happened to spot Saurav Ganguly in a mall in Bangkok. I know it was him because I went and asked him if he was indeed Saurav and he said yes. In case you are wondering what he was doing there, he was shopping for a pair of jeant at some local jeans counter where there was a big board which said 450 baht. I don't know about Chappel's allegation of Dada being broke but I can dcefinitely say that dada is not very brand conscious and definitely searching for a good deal given the haggling that he seemed to be indulging in.
Now that I have name dropped lets get to the next thing that sells more copies - SEX. Visited the famed Pat Pong Street and all I can say is that it is highly over-rated. Sure there are women in all stages of undress hanging around there but they look bored and disinterested. They almost seem to be saying that 'yeah now that you have seen most of my body do you feel better/wiser/enlightened?' or that 'so now can you identify my privates ina police line up now that you have looked at it for 20 minutes?'
For most part it is rather disgusting to see Caucasian geriatrics roaming the street with girls a third of their age. How bad is it? Well apparently the children of a British woman and a Thai man can get British citizenship however that privelege is not accorded if the man is British and the woman is Thai. Simply because Maggie Thatcher figured that given the number of men going to Thailand it could become a big immigration problem and passed a bill to this effect which still stands.
For those of you who still love this city for its shows well the hottest thing these days seems to be 'the ping pong ball show' which is what all the tuk tuk (rikshaw) drivers, shop-keepers etc accost you and try to get you to watch. I am told it involves women shooting out ping-pong balls from their private oarts. Would not know for sure cause I never cared/dared to see one.

More on Tuesday about this really nice place that we lived called Suk11

PS
For those of you still interested in your politics, there is an election which took place here called for by thhe embattled Thai prime minister. Its nice to find the usual charges of corruption, a biased Election commission and all of that happening here as well. On the flip side though there does seem to be an intellegentsia made up of Unviersity profs which has been trying hard to unseat the prime minister and asking people to register a protest no-vote to get people out

(b) AD -

I want to write about two commercials that are on air currently, both of which are rather awful. Actually one is awful and the other is disgusting.

Thande ka tadka

Before I begin I would like to admit that I am one of those people who dislikes Aishwarya Rai and think that she looks like a rather inexpressive porcelain doll. Coming back to the ad. The ad has this guy sitting in what is I suppose a college canteen with his friends and says 'Umar hai sola figure Coca Cola' as he whistles at Ash who is passing by. Aishwary who is for some reason dressed like a village belle turns around and wants to know who whistled. Mr Crude-ass says rather belligerently that he did. What follows is some very bad rhyming of words like gaali and mawaali, rude and dude and wherein Aishwarya tries to make the point that the Crude-ass cannot whistle too well. In the end a penitent Crude-ass is looking woefully at the Coke bottle andAsh is saying 'Thane ka tadka'

What struck me about this ad is that its unlikely Coke would be able to run such a blatant eve-teasing promotion campaign in the west but in India they can do what they please. After all they can claim that they are merely drawing upon accepted social behaviour in India to promote their cold drink. They are not encouraging such behaviour they are merely mirroring reality. I would love to object to Coke but I will probably get the good old Indian retort 'tere baap ka kya jaata hai?' And since Coke has a bigger baap than me I am just shutting up.

I was also intrigued that Ash is still sixteen (I thought that she was sixteen when she did that nice Pepsi commercial) and by this new phrase 'thande ka tadka' which makes no sene whatsoever but then i suppose all of this is acceptable creative licence.

SBI Debit Card

In the case of the ad above we can indulge in the good old sport of MNC bashing and accuse Coke of being insensitive to India and Indians. However, what do you do when SBI does something worse. I was first told about this ad my friend the D-man. D-man was appalled that such an ad was on air but not having seen it I could not comprehend fully his angst. But having seen it I must say this is probably worse than the Fairl and Lovely air-hostess commercial.

This one shows a manual labourer lifting I suppose bags of cement and placing them one on top of the other. This is followed up by a banal commentary on changes in spending habits and how you dont have to carry lots of money anymore. The worker makes a re-entry looking very forlorn and you suddenly see a scroller below him which says 'Bholu, Ex-pickpocket'

I don't know which social insight forms the basis of this ad. That in India we think pick-pockets belong to a higher class than workers? Or is it that every manual labourer is former out-of work criminal? Or is it just that you can imply anythign about manual labourers and they can't protest?

That a leading bank like SBI should put its name on this is shameful. But they are not going to bother either if I tell them. I can imagine going to my local SBI and cribbing only to be told to take my business elsewhere with a curt ' Dimaag mat kha, Bank-chod'

A Brief Encounter With Racism

As I said on Wednesday I will ramble about something that happened to me. And here it goes

I was sitting in Vaishali, a popular college hangout joint in Pune. Not the place that I usually go to (I prefer its sister restaurant Roopali where the oldies hang out drink coffee and leave 50ps tips in this day and age) but the Ratnakar was keen to do the Vaishali number. The bong was back in india after a hiatus of 8 years and understably he wanted to go to the places which were cool and hip in our college days and which we never had the money to patronise back then.
The Bong's nostalgia lane walk also included catching up with guys we had been to college with and so we met an old pal of ours at Vaishali. Things were fine for a bit with conversation centering around the usual 'Whats up. It's been a long time. Any kids' stuff.
And then pretty much as we do when we meet an Indian we live abroad we started talking about hooliganism and crime in the west (never mind the seven banks robbed in a month in Bombay). It was at this point that Ratnakar said that even India seemed to be getting more violent what with the murder of Vikram Poddar on the Pune-Bombay highway.
I mumbled something about how Hinjewadi is a remote place and unsafe. What happened next caught Ratnakar completely off-guard and left me mildly amused. The friend we were meeting was a Maharashtrian and he tool umbrage at my pronounciation of Hinjewadi and here's how the conversation went.
Him: It's not hinjewadi is hinjuvdi. All these outsiders are screwing the language
Me: I don't give a fuck. I will pronounce it how I want
Him: Just say Hinjuvdi
Me: Hinjewadi. I say Bombay, Madras, Calcutta so big deal
Him: why can't you say Hinjuvdi
Me: I will say what I want
At this point Ratnakar, who looked distinctly perturbed managed to change the conversation.

It's interesting. The three of us have all grown up in Pune. I am Tam, Ratnakar is Bong and this guy is Maharashtrian. I speak Marathi fluently, I have probably read more Marathi literature (in translation) perhaps than my friend and I have plenty of Maharashtrian friends and yet I am an outsider. I mean in our teenage years we probably laughed at guys who were obsessed with regional biases and spoke passionately about all men being equal and yet...
There seems to be a rising sentiment in Pune against the northeners and the southerners and the easterners (outsiders in their own country) who have come in large numbers thanks to the IT boom. I even heard another friend say that the number of beggars in Pune has increase and most of the beggars are not Maharashtrian but from Bihar and UP. I have long stopped trying to argue because you never win these.

Ratnakar was horrified that people we grew up up with and talked passionately against regionalism and caste seem to have metamorphosed into a different animal. Me, I am not surprised. We are in all probability the most racist people. Don't trust a gujju, bongs are political, mallus are clannish, punjabis are shift thats all we say every now and again. I personally learnt that both regionalism and caste never go away when everytime I met someone they heard my name and said you are a Tam Brahm. Tam I can understand but Brahmin now why is that important.

Of fat Sehwag, a booed Sachin and vulgar fan chants

They say Sehwag is unfit I think he is just plain fat.
Sehwag was never exactly slim but the way he is going it won't be long before the Aaloo moniker is passed on from Inzamam to Veeru. It's a pity that none of the news-papers or the TV channels, which spend endless hours discussing Dhoni's locks or Munaf's haircut are willing to focus their attentions on the fat boy's paunch. Imagine a TV camera panning slowly over Veeru's tummy and slimming experts using a pointer to show what the real problem is. "That's where all the butter chicken is residing." "The fat here is thanks to asli ghee ke ladoos from lalajis shop in Najafgarh" Methinks it would be a compelling reality show.
Zman and I were discussing Veeru and Zman believes that it is not his reflexes but his eyesight which has been affected by overeating. Zman's theory is that Sehwag is so fat that the skin below his eyes impedes his vision having turned into a mini mountain of fat. Zman also theorises that the ever increasing tummy means that Sehwag can no longer bend to field those ground balls and which is why the ball is invaribaly wishing him luck as it speeds under his arms to the fence.
Even as I write all this the fat boy has lost his wicket to the rising delivery and his walk to the pavilion was a slow laboured one. I wonder what the chances are that he wont suddenly develop a bad back and not field later in the innings.
Perhaps it is time that Chappell instead of worrying about how to screw Ganguly turns the scres on Veeru.


Sach Is Life

Sachin Tendulkar gets booed at the Wankhede and it makes the national headlines. Every out of work player (no matter how good or bad they were at the game) chips in with a "How dare you boo him" "It's a shameful act" "he has done so much for the country"and even expats like Botham, who once called all of Australia convicts, wants the people who booed to be punished.
To hell with it I say. This is modern day sport. When you play well you get cheered and when you play badly you get booed. How does it matter what you did yesterday or through your career. People pay money to see you perform today and if you don't give them their moneys worth then be prepared to face their ire. As for 'done so much for the country' can we cut the crap out. Cricketers play for the BCCI which makes a lot of money out of the game and in turn the cricketers make a lot of money. It is in their self interest to do well and not for the greater good of the country.
Now everyone gets booed. Michael jordan got booed, Ronaldo got booed, Beckham got booed.But its only in India that the national media tries to make an issue out of it. I just attribute this inane discussion to our lack of heroes and news being nothing but a celebrity watch. No channel or newspaper worth its salt is complete unless it has a couple of filmwallahs or cricketers in them. And given that the Indian media can ill afford to antagonise these celebrities. So instead of lambasting Sachin for a shoddy performance they are desperate to take up cudgels on his behalf when he gets booed. Sad

Arseholes and Bastards

Heckling is not an easy sport to indulge in. Hecklers have to be imaginative to get under the target's skin. Our rote based education system ensures therefore that we can't do very well at this game. Adn given that we turn heckling into abusing and start chanting arsehole every time an opposition bowler comes to bowl or some more colourful abuses in Hindi.
This happens even at practice matches (i attended the England vs CCI XI match a month ago in Mumbai and every now and again you could hear these chanters) where groups of youngsters, no doubt practicing for the real game do their number.
For some reason we imagine that by doubting the parentage of a player, talking about his sister or calling him a disgusting part of the anatomy he is going to get very upset. Maybe if a billion guys say that you are an arsehole or a bastard you suddenly become one and are going to be so shattered that you will completely lose all your marbles.
Naturally there is nothing wrong with it and I am sure that we can find some nugget in our ancient texts which says that calling vulgar names is part of of a thousand year old tradition and it even helps cleanse the mind of impurities or some such exalted theory.
Now imagine if India played in England and a thousand Englishmen chanted bastard every time Sachin came to bat instantly everyone in India would be calling them racist, start ranting about goras and their bullying ways and feel mighty offended.
Hmm makes you wonder

Sorry For Being AWOL

One of the hard things about having a blog is making sure you write there. There are always a few people (who know of the existence of this tiny inconsequential in the vastness of cyberspace and the fewer who want to read random musings of an unknown idiot) who want to know why I have not written. I could lie and say that I was very busy tied up in all sorts of things but far be it for me to lie when the truth can show me in poorer light. I was lazy and though there was much happening in the world,I decided that I would rather play games when I switched on the computer than bang away on the keyoard trying to construct sentences.
However I promise that from now on I shall write every day. To make it easier I have zoned in on five topics, one for each day of the week (Even us unemployed people do not work on weekends) which shall be the source for my ramblings.

Monday: I shall ramble on politics because I know that we are all so concerned about the state of this nation (smsing NDTV, ranting against Laloo, Sonia: Saint or Sinner) that we should begin our week by sparing a thought for the nation

Tuesday: I will ramble aabout sport which means mostly cricket since we hardly play any other sport

Wednesday: I will ramble about someone I met, something I did or did not do

Thursday: I will rant about one ad that i have seen the reason for this should be out in a week

Friday: I will profile one man/woman/issue that has taken up much of our mindspace

I hope that seems like a fair deal and if i do not follow the schedule then please forgive me


And since this is a Monday lets talk politics

I have been fascinated by this office of profit controversy. The way I see it politicians are in politics because they want to profit from it. Some of you might have the temerity to suggest that politicians are in politics because they want to hold office. I, however, reject this theory on the basis that politicians are too wily not to know that the office is a fickle place decided entirely by fickle voters who are easily swayed by caste, religion and money. So while an office might help a politician profit it is more likely that profits will help a politician into office.

Having said this let us now train our attention on SoniaG (I have added the G to sound respectful lest some congresswallahs come and blacken my face for calling the great lady by her maiden name)

SoniaG has been canonised once again by her sycophants within the Congress for her supreme sacrifice. In mumbai, where I live, overnight we saw posters bearing her pictures, come up praising her sacrifice and quite naturally pictures of the congresswallahs who have printed these shabby posters. The TV channels love SoniaG and the 'Sonia - Sinner or Saint' sms your verdict polls have been running ceaselessly. As an aside I have always been mystified as to who these mutts are who send long inane text messages. But for all I know maybe these chaps eagerly wait for their name to come on tv and then sms all their friends and relatives how their wondrous comment is on air.
Coming back to SoniaG her stint in politics is becoming like a Manmohan Desai movie, all too predictable. Here is how the plot usually goes.
The Congress think tank screws up, they insist they have not screwed up, they try something shady, the BJP cries foul, the BJP tries to target SoniaG, the BJP calls Manmohan Singh names, the Left says ignore the BJP and then Sonia Gandhi resigns.
I for one cannot bear to see her mumble in Hindi about the greatness of the nation and her lack of desire to hold any post. But then I am alone. For the moment, like Amitabh Bachchan, she somehow manages to come out trumps at the end of the movie all the time and everyone seems to love it. As for the BJP like good old Ranjeet they always seem to get caught in a trap of their own making.
My wish is that one of these days SoniaG does a Greg Chappel and just shows the finger and say, "Yeh un sab logon ke liye jo mujh pe hamesha ungliyan utha rahe hain'. She can always claim later that it's the Italian way of resigning or forgiving ones rivals. I know it won't happen but hey you never know.

As to those of you who are wondering whether I think she did the right thing or not politics is not about right or wrong but about opportunism. And what she did was indeed the most opportunistic thing, in her place I would have done the same.

PS
Last heard the BJP is trying cut its losses while the Congress is profiting from the whole drama. A friend suggested that Indian politics could use a tagline which CNBC uses for a recruitment drive which simply says 'Indian Politics-Profit from it'