(b) AD -

I want to write about two commercials that are on air currently, both of which are rather awful. Actually one is awful and the other is disgusting.

Thande ka tadka

Before I begin I would like to admit that I am one of those people who dislikes Aishwarya Rai and think that she looks like a rather inexpressive porcelain doll. Coming back to the ad. The ad has this guy sitting in what is I suppose a college canteen with his friends and says 'Umar hai sola figure Coca Cola' as he whistles at Ash who is passing by. Aishwary who is for some reason dressed like a village belle turns around and wants to know who whistled. Mr Crude-ass says rather belligerently that he did. What follows is some very bad rhyming of words like gaali and mawaali, rude and dude and wherein Aishwarya tries to make the point that the Crude-ass cannot whistle too well. In the end a penitent Crude-ass is looking woefully at the Coke bottle andAsh is saying 'Thane ka tadka'

What struck me about this ad is that its unlikely Coke would be able to run such a blatant eve-teasing promotion campaign in the west but in India they can do what they please. After all they can claim that they are merely drawing upon accepted social behaviour in India to promote their cold drink. They are not encouraging such behaviour they are merely mirroring reality. I would love to object to Coke but I will probably get the good old Indian retort 'tere baap ka kya jaata hai?' And since Coke has a bigger baap than me I am just shutting up.

I was also intrigued that Ash is still sixteen (I thought that she was sixteen when she did that nice Pepsi commercial) and by this new phrase 'thande ka tadka' which makes no sene whatsoever but then i suppose all of this is acceptable creative licence.

SBI Debit Card

In the case of the ad above we can indulge in the good old sport of MNC bashing and accuse Coke of being insensitive to India and Indians. However, what do you do when SBI does something worse. I was first told about this ad my friend the D-man. D-man was appalled that such an ad was on air but not having seen it I could not comprehend fully his angst. But having seen it I must say this is probably worse than the Fairl and Lovely air-hostess commercial.

This one shows a manual labourer lifting I suppose bags of cement and placing them one on top of the other. This is followed up by a banal commentary on changes in spending habits and how you dont have to carry lots of money anymore. The worker makes a re-entry looking very forlorn and you suddenly see a scroller below him which says 'Bholu, Ex-pickpocket'

I don't know which social insight forms the basis of this ad. That in India we think pick-pockets belong to a higher class than workers? Or is it that every manual labourer is former out-of work criminal? Or is it just that you can imply anythign about manual labourers and they can't protest?

That a leading bank like SBI should put its name on this is shameful. But they are not going to bother either if I tell them. I can imagine going to my local SBI and cribbing only to be told to take my business elsewhere with a curt ' Dimaag mat kha, Bank-chod'

A Brief Encounter With Racism

As I said on Wednesday I will ramble about something that happened to me. And here it goes

I was sitting in Vaishali, a popular college hangout joint in Pune. Not the place that I usually go to (I prefer its sister restaurant Roopali where the oldies hang out drink coffee and leave 50ps tips in this day and age) but the Ratnakar was keen to do the Vaishali number. The bong was back in india after a hiatus of 8 years and understably he wanted to go to the places which were cool and hip in our college days and which we never had the money to patronise back then.
The Bong's nostalgia lane walk also included catching up with guys we had been to college with and so we met an old pal of ours at Vaishali. Things were fine for a bit with conversation centering around the usual 'Whats up. It's been a long time. Any kids' stuff.
And then pretty much as we do when we meet an Indian we live abroad we started talking about hooliganism and crime in the west (never mind the seven banks robbed in a month in Bombay). It was at this point that Ratnakar said that even India seemed to be getting more violent what with the murder of Vikram Poddar on the Pune-Bombay highway.
I mumbled something about how Hinjewadi is a remote place and unsafe. What happened next caught Ratnakar completely off-guard and left me mildly amused. The friend we were meeting was a Maharashtrian and he tool umbrage at my pronounciation of Hinjewadi and here's how the conversation went.
Him: It's not hinjewadi is hinjuvdi. All these outsiders are screwing the language
Me: I don't give a fuck. I will pronounce it how I want
Him: Just say Hinjuvdi
Me: Hinjewadi. I say Bombay, Madras, Calcutta so big deal
Him: why can't you say Hinjuvdi
Me: I will say what I want
At this point Ratnakar, who looked distinctly perturbed managed to change the conversation.

It's interesting. The three of us have all grown up in Pune. I am Tam, Ratnakar is Bong and this guy is Maharashtrian. I speak Marathi fluently, I have probably read more Marathi literature (in translation) perhaps than my friend and I have plenty of Maharashtrian friends and yet I am an outsider. I mean in our teenage years we probably laughed at guys who were obsessed with regional biases and spoke passionately about all men being equal and yet...
There seems to be a rising sentiment in Pune against the northeners and the southerners and the easterners (outsiders in their own country) who have come in large numbers thanks to the IT boom. I even heard another friend say that the number of beggars in Pune has increase and most of the beggars are not Maharashtrian but from Bihar and UP. I have long stopped trying to argue because you never win these.

Ratnakar was horrified that people we grew up up with and talked passionately against regionalism and caste seem to have metamorphosed into a different animal. Me, I am not surprised. We are in all probability the most racist people. Don't trust a gujju, bongs are political, mallus are clannish, punjabis are shift thats all we say every now and again. I personally learnt that both regionalism and caste never go away when everytime I met someone they heard my name and said you are a Tam Brahm. Tam I can understand but Brahmin now why is that important.

Of fat Sehwag, a booed Sachin and vulgar fan chants

They say Sehwag is unfit I think he is just plain fat.
Sehwag was never exactly slim but the way he is going it won't be long before the Aaloo moniker is passed on from Inzamam to Veeru. It's a pity that none of the news-papers or the TV channels, which spend endless hours discussing Dhoni's locks or Munaf's haircut are willing to focus their attentions on the fat boy's paunch. Imagine a TV camera panning slowly over Veeru's tummy and slimming experts using a pointer to show what the real problem is. "That's where all the butter chicken is residing." "The fat here is thanks to asli ghee ke ladoos from lalajis shop in Najafgarh" Methinks it would be a compelling reality show.
Zman and I were discussing Veeru and Zman believes that it is not his reflexes but his eyesight which has been affected by overeating. Zman's theory is that Sehwag is so fat that the skin below his eyes impedes his vision having turned into a mini mountain of fat. Zman also theorises that the ever increasing tummy means that Sehwag can no longer bend to field those ground balls and which is why the ball is invaribaly wishing him luck as it speeds under his arms to the fence.
Even as I write all this the fat boy has lost his wicket to the rising delivery and his walk to the pavilion was a slow laboured one. I wonder what the chances are that he wont suddenly develop a bad back and not field later in the innings.
Perhaps it is time that Chappell instead of worrying about how to screw Ganguly turns the scres on Veeru.


Sach Is Life

Sachin Tendulkar gets booed at the Wankhede and it makes the national headlines. Every out of work player (no matter how good or bad they were at the game) chips in with a "How dare you boo him" "It's a shameful act" "he has done so much for the country"and even expats like Botham, who once called all of Australia convicts, wants the people who booed to be punished.
To hell with it I say. This is modern day sport. When you play well you get cheered and when you play badly you get booed. How does it matter what you did yesterday or through your career. People pay money to see you perform today and if you don't give them their moneys worth then be prepared to face their ire. As for 'done so much for the country' can we cut the crap out. Cricketers play for the BCCI which makes a lot of money out of the game and in turn the cricketers make a lot of money. It is in their self interest to do well and not for the greater good of the country.
Now everyone gets booed. Michael jordan got booed, Ronaldo got booed, Beckham got booed.But its only in India that the national media tries to make an issue out of it. I just attribute this inane discussion to our lack of heroes and news being nothing but a celebrity watch. No channel or newspaper worth its salt is complete unless it has a couple of filmwallahs or cricketers in them. And given that the Indian media can ill afford to antagonise these celebrities. So instead of lambasting Sachin for a shoddy performance they are desperate to take up cudgels on his behalf when he gets booed. Sad

Arseholes and Bastards

Heckling is not an easy sport to indulge in. Hecklers have to be imaginative to get under the target's skin. Our rote based education system ensures therefore that we can't do very well at this game. Adn given that we turn heckling into abusing and start chanting arsehole every time an opposition bowler comes to bowl or some more colourful abuses in Hindi.
This happens even at practice matches (i attended the England vs CCI XI match a month ago in Mumbai and every now and again you could hear these chanters) where groups of youngsters, no doubt practicing for the real game do their number.
For some reason we imagine that by doubting the parentage of a player, talking about his sister or calling him a disgusting part of the anatomy he is going to get very upset. Maybe if a billion guys say that you are an arsehole or a bastard you suddenly become one and are going to be so shattered that you will completely lose all your marbles.
Naturally there is nothing wrong with it and I am sure that we can find some nugget in our ancient texts which says that calling vulgar names is part of of a thousand year old tradition and it even helps cleanse the mind of impurities or some such exalted theory.
Now imagine if India played in England and a thousand Englishmen chanted bastard every time Sachin came to bat instantly everyone in India would be calling them racist, start ranting about goras and their bullying ways and feel mighty offended.
Hmm makes you wonder

Sorry For Being AWOL

One of the hard things about having a blog is making sure you write there. There are always a few people (who know of the existence of this tiny inconsequential in the vastness of cyberspace and the fewer who want to read random musings of an unknown idiot) who want to know why I have not written. I could lie and say that I was very busy tied up in all sorts of things but far be it for me to lie when the truth can show me in poorer light. I was lazy and though there was much happening in the world,I decided that I would rather play games when I switched on the computer than bang away on the keyoard trying to construct sentences.
However I promise that from now on I shall write every day. To make it easier I have zoned in on five topics, one for each day of the week (Even us unemployed people do not work on weekends) which shall be the source for my ramblings.

Monday: I shall ramble on politics because I know that we are all so concerned about the state of this nation (smsing NDTV, ranting against Laloo, Sonia: Saint or Sinner) that we should begin our week by sparing a thought for the nation

Tuesday: I will ramble aabout sport which means mostly cricket since we hardly play any other sport

Wednesday: I will ramble about someone I met, something I did or did not do

Thursday: I will rant about one ad that i have seen the reason for this should be out in a week

Friday: I will profile one man/woman/issue that has taken up much of our mindspace

I hope that seems like a fair deal and if i do not follow the schedule then please forgive me


And since this is a Monday lets talk politics

I have been fascinated by this office of profit controversy. The way I see it politicians are in politics because they want to profit from it. Some of you might have the temerity to suggest that politicians are in politics because they want to hold office. I, however, reject this theory on the basis that politicians are too wily not to know that the office is a fickle place decided entirely by fickle voters who are easily swayed by caste, religion and money. So while an office might help a politician profit it is more likely that profits will help a politician into office.

Having said this let us now train our attention on SoniaG (I have added the G to sound respectful lest some congresswallahs come and blacken my face for calling the great lady by her maiden name)

SoniaG has been canonised once again by her sycophants within the Congress for her supreme sacrifice. In mumbai, where I live, overnight we saw posters bearing her pictures, come up praising her sacrifice and quite naturally pictures of the congresswallahs who have printed these shabby posters. The TV channels love SoniaG and the 'Sonia - Sinner or Saint' sms your verdict polls have been running ceaselessly. As an aside I have always been mystified as to who these mutts are who send long inane text messages. But for all I know maybe these chaps eagerly wait for their name to come on tv and then sms all their friends and relatives how their wondrous comment is on air.
Coming back to SoniaG her stint in politics is becoming like a Manmohan Desai movie, all too predictable. Here is how the plot usually goes.
The Congress think tank screws up, they insist they have not screwed up, they try something shady, the BJP cries foul, the BJP tries to target SoniaG, the BJP calls Manmohan Singh names, the Left says ignore the BJP and then Sonia Gandhi resigns.
I for one cannot bear to see her mumble in Hindi about the greatness of the nation and her lack of desire to hold any post. But then I am alone. For the moment, like Amitabh Bachchan, she somehow manages to come out trumps at the end of the movie all the time and everyone seems to love it. As for the BJP like good old Ranjeet they always seem to get caught in a trap of their own making.
My wish is that one of these days SoniaG does a Greg Chappel and just shows the finger and say, "Yeh un sab logon ke liye jo mujh pe hamesha ungliyan utha rahe hain'. She can always claim later that it's the Italian way of resigning or forgiving ones rivals. I know it won't happen but hey you never know.

As to those of you who are wondering whether I think she did the right thing or not politics is not about right or wrong but about opportunism. And what she did was indeed the most opportunistic thing, in her place I would have done the same.

PS
Last heard the BJP is trying cut its losses while the Congress is profiting from the whole drama. A friend suggested that Indian politics could use a tagline which CNBC uses for a recruitment drive which simply says 'Indian Politics-Profit from it'

What A Match!!!!

GOAT: To the plebs that is the Greatest Of All Time

The match that took place today between Australia and South Africa is one for the ages. It was amazing to watch history unfold before your eyes. First Ponting decimates the South African attack with Hussey, Gilchrist, Katich doing their bits and before you know it the Aussies have made 434 in 5o overs and you have written off the fucking South Africans.
Not surprising considering the South Africans have always been chokers and 434 seems just to big for any team in the world. This was the ground where the Aussies set 349 for the Indians in the last World Cup final and we failed to get anywhere close with the best batting line up in the world so what chance do the Springboks have. And then Herschelle Gibbs comes and plays (finally he lived up to his potential) what is one of the most awesome innings ever. You can keep arguing about the quality of the attack but this very same attack has been dominating teams in the recent past. The more you saw of it the more I wondered why Tendulkar keeled over so easily in that world cup final with a less imposing total. Talk all you want of greatness but this was greatness and that was mediocrity.
It was such a thriller reminscent of the Ali-Frazier match that went the distance and by the end of it you did not care who had won but just glad that you were part of history in the making. I can't imagine a greater match ever and this might just have changed the way one day cricket is played for ever.
And for once Thank God for ESPN and Barry Richards and Tony Greig for some riveting commentary.
PS
It's probably among the greatest sporting battles ever across sports and over the years

Movie Review: Walk The Line

This is one of the great mystery movies of all time, for it shall always be a mystery to me as to why Reese Witherspoon won an Oscar for her role as June Carter. But then maybe I am not very bright and a just your average idotic fan.
Coming to the movie, if you have not seen it you would do well to avoid it. It is the story of Johnny Cash who witnesses a great tragedy, that of seeing his elder brother die when he is a young boy. If you think that this sounds like 'Ray', well it does. The brother here too meets a grisly end and its a memory that haunts Cash the same way it did Ray Charles.
However unlike Charles the songs in the movie are un-memorable and as you come out of the movie you know why Johnny Cash is no longer on the FM stations or on your ipod. Cash's musical inclinations are best summed up in his interpretation of Dylan's classic 'It Ain't Me Babe' which in Cash's hand turns into an upbeat love-song devoid of all the sarcasm and irony.
The rest of the movie is predictable with drugs, dames, divorce and depression following the singer through life. Joaquin Phoenix is decent as a brooding Cash but not spectacular.
On the whole if you want to watch a biopic about a singer watch 'Ray' if not anything else you will at least have something to hum when you are done.
As for Ms Witherspoon I suggest that she could try doing Legally Blonde 3. Who knows that might win her yet another Oscar

Crash: Movie Review

I happened to see Crash yesterday, on the same day that it won the Oscar statuette for Best Film. While the Oscars are not necesarily a benchmark for great movies or great acting (Among others Tom Hanks won one for Forrest Gump a role where he needed to act as little as the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park) this is one that they got right. I must take a minute here to thank Nilufer for insisting that I see the movie.
For starters it is a great movie in the sense that it does not depend on a powerhouse performance from an actor but has a great story to tell and the movies are ultimately about telling stories and not showcasing individual talents. So if you are going to watch the film because of Sandra Bullock or not going to watch it because of her then you are making a mistake. Everyone from Don Cheadle, Ludacris, Sandra Bullock, Matt Dillon to Brendon Fraser (The Mummy Man) have small roles which are not memorable in themselves.
The movie deals with the subject of racism in a particularly insightful manner and at the end of the movie I found myself examining the racist within me. In so far as I am concerned most of us are racist in our own manner whether it is our suspicion of a lower class (the ring is missing it must be the maid who did it - until you find it in the pillow case) or a suspicion of the plumber who comes to fix the pipes (have i kept the wallet away).
The story deals with an ensemble of characters who are complexed (either superiorly or inferiorly) about their own race. So the Iranian is worried that all the whites are trying to cheat him because he is an Iranian immigrant who cannot speak English and yet is disgusted that they dare think of him as an Arab while the blak car-jacker is obsessed with the idea of everything being discriminatory towards the blacks. And if upbringing could deal with th beast of racism then how is it that the policeman who is seemingly a racist is the child of a man who never resented the blacks even when they lost his job.
The more I think about it it seems to me that racism is inherent in all of us. Somewhere the collective stereotypes imposed on us are lurking and when the appropriate moment arrives the beast takes over man before he or she knows it.
Here's a movie that is disturbing at times and there are scenes when you would rather not watch (not because they are gory but because of the sher disgust they induce). It might be set in America but here is a film that is probably relevant anywhere in the world where people are settled and prejucices exist.
Given the number of films that our fil-makers are inspired by one does hope that someone is inspired by this one and makes a film which takes on the subject in a manner relevant to the Indian context.
So watch it and enjoy the bundle of contradictions that we human beings are. It's well worth the money that one pays for the entrance.